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i’m the invisible man (huh) i’m the invisible man (yeah)

Plain Fairy Tales are for Kiddies

Okay, as promised, the first installment of my postapocalyptic fairy tales series. Note that this is a draft one; therefore any comments/suggestions/corrections are more than welcome!
(but no plot suggestions, I have plot line drawn for at least four next episodes and it’s unlikely to change)

FSi’s Postapocalyptic Fairy Tales.
Tale 1. About little princess.

Once upon a time in a kingdom far away there was a little Princess. Not for long though…
Then the time to sacrifice her to Soton has come. Did I mention her parents were Sotonists? No? Well, her parents were the true and very dedicated Sotonists. One evening they come into her room and tell her:
“Hello, daughter! We come to sacrifice you to Soton!”
Daughter would love to tell something back, but she couldn’t because her dad hit her in the head with iron. And she had to settle with falling unconscious with a silent moan.
When she woke up she found herself on the altar. Sotonic as hell. It was all black, made of obsidian, with red cravings on the sides, with bloodstains and straps and all that – everything was fine in that kingdom, unlike today.
Normally Princess would try to stand up, find out that she was finely strapped to the altar and would cry as baby – but only if she woke up a bit earlier when there were nobody in the sotonic temple. Princess were sleepy girl and woke up when the Senior Sotonic Priest of Soton lifted his sharp obsidian dagger upon her little heart. Dagger was shiny, beautiful and had interesting cravings on the sides, but Princess had no time to read them.
Meanwhile the Senior Sotonic Priest of Soton started to chant his dark Sotonic hymn in a loud and scary voice.

    Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!
    (lead)
      Blood!!!
    My dark sotonic blood!
      Blood!!!
    Your blood will shed tonight!
      Death!!!
    To all the innocent!
      Death!!!
    I'm better than 50cent!

      Hell!!!
    Only hell I want to achieve!
      Hell!!!
    Hey, Soton, heaten up the brimstone!
      This!!!
    Was only an allegory!
      I!!!
    Am real sotonist and not some shitty
devil-worshipper who impersonates Soton!

    Ayeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

Princess was scared to death. She would even die of fear, but suddenly the Crow came through the window and sit on the Priest’s shoulder. “See, a Crow!” , thought Priest. “Crow is truly sotonic bird, as she wears black and feeds on corpses. I shall let it pick Princess’s eyes.” Priest almost thought another thought but Crow screamed “CROARRGH!!!” and bitten Priest’s head off.
“O kindeth bird, how may I thank you for miraclously saving me from the hands of this devil praiser and generally bad person who, most likely, wanted to kill me in most painful, cruel and inhumane way” said Princess in one long word because she was exhausted and couldn’t speak properly.
“What makes you think I come to save you?..” asked Crow and got ready to bite Princess’s head off.
“O kindeth bird, did you miraclously save me from the hands of this devil praiser and generally bad person who, most likely, wanted to kill me in most painful, cruel and inhumane way just to bite my head off?”
“I bite everybody’s heads off. That’s my modus operandi, if you wish. Wherever I go I try to bite heads off as much humans as possible. It’s pleasant, it’s nurturing, it’s good for your health – there are lots of microelements in brains. Not too much, though but perfectly enough. Pay attention to my beautiful, tight and attractive body, its shape is like this thanks to my head-diet! But enough talking, I think I’m feeling hungry,” said the Crow opening her mouth wider.
“Know what?” said Princess rapidly while Crow’s teeth were coming closer and closer around her head. “I could make you rich and famos if you agree to not to bite my head off! Just imagine. Your diet is not demanding but looks effective! You should write a book about it and I will publish it with the lowest possible expences at the Royal Publishing Centre. I could also advertise it for free using Royal Telecom. Believe me, you’ll see the surge of fat ladies with complexes almost immediately! We will share the profit and live happily!”
“Hmm, to think of it, we’ll make fat women to bite each other’s heads off AND pay for that…” Crow looked stunned by the deepness of that idea, it even stopped clothing its mouth and scratched its head with left leg. “Too Palahniuk’s for me, don’t you think?”
“Yes, I have to agree. We should change the turf,” said copyright-frenzied Princess sadly.
Crow thought for a little longer and almost bitten Princess’s head off when Princess’s Grandmother rushed into the Sotonic Church and shot it with a shotgun. Her “Kiyaaaaaaah!” scream was completely out of place, but still added something to atmosphere.
“Hello there, my granddaughter,” – said Pringess’s Grandmother who didn’t believe neither in Satan, nor Christ, nor anything else for that matter (and lived happily) while untangling Princess from the altar.
“What the heck is that, nanny?” – asked Princess.
“This package contains double-barreled shotgun and a chainsaw,” – said Grandmother. “These will help you on your journey.”
“No, I meant, what the heck is that floppy hose thing between your legs?”
“Ow. Damn,” – said Nanny and zipped her pants. Never before Schtirlitz was so close to failure. “But that doesn’t matter. Here, take this leather jacket, you’ll need that as well.”
Thus Princess got a fine leather jacket without right sleeve and put it over her pink dress.
“Now go! Your destiny awaits!” – said Princess’s Grandmother in her most tragic voice and kicked her off the Sotonic Church of Soton.
When the door was shut close behind Princess’s shoulders, her Grandmother took a smoking pipe out of her jacket and started to smoke. Light contour of smile appeared on her well-known by a millions, disfigured by a smallpox trademark face…

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